


Time and Time Again

by Silicu (silmil)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), Manga Spoilers, Time Loop, Underground
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 16:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3141413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silmil/pseuds/Silicu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He blinks his eyes and he's 9 again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Or the one in which "a power" is not the only thing the Ackerman family awakens when they snap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time and Time Again

He blinks his eyes and he’s 9 again.

No, that’s not right, he hasn’t been 9 for so long now, so many years, so many repeats. He barely remembers, in a detached, scientific (Hanji would be so proud) way that he used to be 9, once. One time. He’ll never again return to being 9 again.

So, he isn’t 9, but he’s stuck in a 9 years old body and that’s something he’s felt time and time again, so many times that the feeling isn’t even unexpected.

He scratches another line on the imaginary wall he keeps in the back of his mind, together with all the things that _could_ be and _have_ been, but never _will_ be.

2000\. Levi had never been superstitious, so the number doesn’t bring him hope. Just a helpless anger for all those lost chances.

\-----

He blinks his eyes and he’s 9 again and he’s hitting the ground. Kenny has hit him again, just like every other time, and just like every other time, he’s robbed Levi of the one thing he’d managed to get for himself.

It’s happened so many times now that it hardly means anything to him anymore. He vaguely remembers he used to be so angry for this small achievement being stolen from him, but can’t muster up much more than passive indifference for it now. He’ll do so much more, he’ll have so much, he’ll see and experience and know so _much_ that he can’t bring himself to care for this.

He lashes out, though, like he always has. He can’t kill Kenny, no. That would take at least a couple of decades more and even then it’d be a very close call. Even now, 2000 times later it’s a gamble weather he’d even win. He can’t kill Kenny, but he can give him a nasty fucking scar for the shit he puts him through every time.

Levi lashes out and Kenny doesn’t dodge far enough, the blade slashing through clothing and skin with uncanny ease, like so many times before. For a moment their eyes meet and Levi sees the resentment, and he remembers – Kenny gave up so long ago. He broke and he will never forgive Levi for not breaking, too.

The man staggers and Levi doesn’t spare him a glance. He dashes out, past him, past the moldy, crumbling corner, past the dirty, desperate people on the street. He runs down collapsed roads, over crooked walls, behind stinking piles of trash; ducks in dark shafts. Runs to the one place that Kenny has never found, runs and doesn’t stop until he reaches that one abandoned corner of the Underground.

It will crumble in the night in about 5 years’ time, but for now it’s enough.

Levi takes a deep breath and thinks, _this time, I’ll do better._

\-----

He’s 15 and he looks for her, again. He hadn’t, not every time, because it had been too painful sometimes. Too much, too hard to have her by his side, just to lose her again. _To let her go._

But it’s harder when she’s not there. When she’s not a part of his life. She’s his strength, the person who keeps reminding him why he’s doing this, why he _has_ to do this.

He looks for her, and he finds her where he always does – slumped in a pile of garbage, a grey hood thrown over matted red hair, dead eyes staring at him from a pale face.

She’s always there, and it helps him reconcile everything. Because no matter how many times he does this, no matter how many times he fails just to start again, she’s always there, always dying, always _waiting_ for him.

He hates himself for relying on it, for _wanting_ it so bad.

He takes her in, and for two months he bares her snarling and screaming at him, he waits out her tantrums, he defends himself when she hits him and he never raises a hand against her. He feeds her and gives her a place to sleep and doesn’t hunt her down every time she tries to run away. He waits for her, and every time, she comes back.

And two months later, Isabel gives up, accepts that there’s nothing she can do to make him retaliate and throws herself in his arms, crying. She bares herself, shows him her weakness without expecting him to exploit it, and this has _always_ been the moment when he feels the most powerful and the most powerless.

 _Powerful_ , because she puts all of herself in his hands.

 _Powerless_ , because he knows he has to let it all go.

She calls him _Big Brother_ for the first time, that day, and never calls him anything else until the day she dies. Levi knows she wouldn’t.

_She never does._

\-----

He’s 19 and he doesn't let Farlan drag him in his trap. He knows how to escape, and knows not to show weakness.

Knows that Farlan’s loyalty is as hard to earn as Isabel’s trust.

He fights and he wins and he stands before Farlan, seeing on his face how quickly he’s reforming his plans and reconsidering his position. He watches and, when Farlan asks to come with him, he refuses.

Because he remembers how bad things had ended up every time he was too eager, too trusting. He knows that without them, without him, and especially without Isabel, Farlan would be exactly the kind of man that would have taken advantage of her, the kind of scum that pollutes this world.

He turns his back to Farlan, and when they run into each other again a few days later, he kicks his ass for good measure. Every hit he lands cracks his heart just that little bit more, but he doesn’t let it break. There’s still time for that. He only drags Farlan with him after he explains in gruesome detail what he’d do to him if he lays a single finger on Isabel without her consent.

It takes him close to a year to build the kind of bond they’ve always had, they _would_ always have if it’s up to him, but Levi does it, and as he does, something settles in him.

_I’m home again._

\-----

He indulges himself, for the next years, because he knows how limited their time is. He trusts Farlan and doesn’t let Isabel down, he becomes the strongest in the Underground, and he wears his title with honor. He beats people up and shares their food with his friends, he kills anyone who touches them and doesn’t bat an eyelash at it.

Farlan brags about it to everyone, and Isabel enjoys what little comfort he can provide them with. And they grow close, sharing quiet evenings and rushed days together; they become a family.

Levi indulges himself, because he loves them so much it _hurts_.

He loves them when Isabel laughs so hard she almost falls off her chair, when Farlan appears with warm clothes at the beginning of winter, when they all stay awake, because they know they’re being hunted, pressed close and intimate, having each other’s backs.

He loves them at their best and at their worst, and he refuses to let go of them for as long as he can.

Then Lobov comes along, and Levi mourns the beginning of their end.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, this is a thing in progress and I would really wish to know if it's worth being finished. What do you guys think?


End file.
